Bumpy Road of Grief and Depression

It is 4 weeks ago… I will never forget that day. It will be with me for the rest of my life. That day another person decided that I was not worthy to have any dogs. That day when someone else shattered both animal lives and human lives. Not one but several. Yesterday was a rough day. It was like a movie playing over and over again. I can hear the dogs bark in my head. The truck leaving. The last I will ever see of the animals that been with me my entire life. It is like a bad dream that I can’t get out. Some days are good, some days are bad. Tears are coming out of nowhere. I can be fine one minute and the next minute finding myself on the floor crying profoundly. I lost them all and there is nothing I can do about it. The unfairness that played out both before and in court. The false accusations. I wasn’t allowed to even make my voice heard. Walked over and ignored. And it all came back yesterday. Like a negative high speed river. The need to talk to someone was there… no one was there. Home alone. Nothing planned. Tried to activate my brain, first with a power walk. Well that turned out interesting… I had looked at the map around the area and found a route that could be good. No idea of how long time it would take but it didn’t matter. I needed to do something. And it started well and beautiful…

Even the second road I turned in to was really nice and quiet. But then… I missed the third road I should have turned into but realized fairly soon that I had so I turned back. Well according to my phone this was the road… and I was about to find out why there was no street sign here…

A thunderstorm had passed over night so the grass was wet. My shoes got wet pretty fast but I figured I better keep on walking to see where it leads, worst case scenario is to that I have to turn back and walk the same way back… and it was close that I had to when I saw this

But at this point my shoes and pants was already so wet so it was just to try to pass in by it. And I did. Lesson learned, look at the satellite view before heading out next new route and if the road doesn’t have a sign, there is probably a reason for it. But once it has dried up and the sun is out this trail and route will be just awesome for me. And now I know what is coming! And the walk took just over one hour which is awesome.

Came home and took a (well needed) shower and decided to just do nothing and listen to music. Well that wasn’t really the best. The movie started again. The tears came. Chest pain. There was just no return. Alone, hugging the pillow. The thought of Wilma was pounding in my head. I could see her in front of me but she wasn’t there. I could hear her breathing and barking but she wasn’t there. I could hear Polly playing. She wasn’t there. I couldn’t stay home. I had to get out of the house. Tried to reach out on Facebook. Got an answer and was ready to get out of the door when the plans were changed. On Friday I had a wonderful lunch with a friend. He had told me that there was an arts festival in Mabank. I went out in the car and started headed that way. I know that there is no one that can take me out of this except myself. It was a great event and I met many positive people that didn’t know anything about what was going on in my life. They brought my mind to something else. Stayed there for about 1.5 hour before heading back to my cottage. But as soon as I sat in the car the thoughts came back. The trip home turned out to a tearful and painful trip. I wonder how many tears a human being can produce. Suddenly everything felt so worthless and useless. What am I here for? When I am not even allowed to decide over my own life. Emotions in overflow. I just wanted to disappear right there and then…

Just made it home and to the bed, continuing hugging the pillow. The phone rang. Didn’t want to answer, but I did. Friend asking if I wanted to head for a bite to eat. No, not really but yes… if I am going to move on from this living hell and come up above the surface, I need to grab the opportunities when someone reaches out their hand! Headed out of the door earlier than necessary just to shatter the bad thoughts. Was sitting where we were suppose to meet for almost one hour, looking at people, forcing myself to pull myself together. It was hard. But no one there knew who I was or what I was going through. And I didn’t know their story. All I could do was to share a smile and hope that they would smile back at me. And most of them did.
We went to eat chinese. Great food. Also great for me since that is one of the food that I can only eat at night. All the salt in the food makes me really sleepy. So I was ensured to sleep easily when I got home.

Had to wake up early this morning for events in Terrell. Had promised to be at Brookshire’s parking lot at 8 am to help put out flags for Run For The Wall. Go up and put  makeup on, the smile and do this day in “Cilla Style”. They had already put some out when I arrived but wasn’t going to do them all since there is nowhere to dry them and the storm was coming, so I was just sitting in the car for an hour while the storm passed by

Thankfully the rain stopped just before the bikers arrived to town and it held up the rest of the day! Headed to the office really fast after the event to change clothes. Wet jeans and shirt wasn’t really what I wanted to wear today. Was quite worried about my voice. Not only had I become cold in the morning but this entire stress and anxiety puts a lot of pressure on my vocals and for the last two weeks they have not been the same at all. I wanted to take one note and that was not what came out of my mouth. Very frustrating. So I wasn’t really sure if I should join the choir or just sit today. But I decided to join. And that was a good choice. The voice wasn’t entirely there but it has been much worse. It still felt decent. Pastor Lowrie actually spoke to the graduating seniors today but it was like he was speaking to me. I was so glad that I went today and that I stayed after choir as well. I felt a lot stronger leaving church today. Sat there and realized that it was to church I should have gone yesterday when I was feeling so bad, but it is locked up on Saturdays… so it wouldn’t have mattered. But I was so glad that I went this morning.

I know this is a long grief process I have ahead of me. There will be good days and there will be bad. I didn’t lose one family member, I lost my entire family and that is nothing you just get over in a week or two. You might say “it is only dogs”, but for for me it wasn’t. It was my life.
These last three weeks has taught me so much. Who are friends, who are acquaintances. But it has also taught me something so much more valuable, and that is how I might be able to help others in grief. Even though I am not ready to go there yet, I am not done with my own grief. But instead of going from saying in a text message “I’m here if you need to talk” to actually be there, make action of those words… that is much harder! Because a person in depression or grief doesn’t have the energy or power to make that phonecall themselves. Why didn’t you call up and started the conversation? That is often what the person needs…
And for those of you who say I need counseling,  yepp, I entirely agree but there is no money in the world for that anyway. And I know that I will make it through this… “Cilla Style”, kicking, screaming and yelling, and if you think I was a strong bitch before, just watch me. I will be able to say, I got through this with the help from God. Not thanks to you. Period. When I am the one standing in front of you singing, praising the Lord, I will have a message and a story to tell…

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